Thursday, February 07, 2008


Wikipedia defines metamorphosis as:

"... a biological process by which an animal physically develops after birth or hatching, involving a conspicuous and relatively abrupt change in the animal's form or structure through cell growth and differentiation."

Is that what I've been doing here? Is that why I'm perpetually in this state of flux? There are days when I think of myself as a phoenix - dead and gone and rising again from the ashes of everything I've left behind... the bridges I've burned... everything I've tripped over. A butterfly - nibbling my way through life as a caterpillar with all the hopes and dreams of my butterfly day. And then there are days when I think of myself as a plain old lump of shit. A pig in a pen, wallowing in the very same everything I've left behind, the same bridges I've burned, and everything I've tripped over.

My body's been through some wicked changes. My pants size over the past few months has gone from a 6 to a 0 and halfway back again. I cut off all my hair (nearly a foot) a week and a half or so ago. I've lived in I don't know how many places. I've been sick so many times (and am still somewhat sick) over the past few months that I no longer remember what it feels like to actually feel good. Healthy is some sort of mirage, and so intangible.

I have been so sick for so long that I've started to believe other forces are at work. My last feverish day, my body temperature ranged from 102.8 to 96.4 degrees. That day I was completely convinced my body was going into septic shock, or rejecting all of my organs simultaneously, or perhaps slowly turning all my blood into unusable sludge. I could barely move. I could barely even see.

I've been doing some reading on what could possibly be (actually) wrong with me. And I think it's stress to the nth degree. This article from gave me a little (no, a shit-ton) of insight: How Stress Affects the Immune System.

I've thought about this very seriously. I've pondered it. Hard. And I have decided that if I don't do something about it, I'm going to die. I'm going to get worked up about something, and my body is going to lurch itself into a final fever. I'll reach that magical 108 degrees, move way beyond hallucination, and *poof* - my mom gets my Sgt Peppers on 33 1/3 vinyl, my best friend Tracy gets everything I own with stars on it, and Matthew gets my batshiat crazy dog (aren't you excited!). Please, please cremate me in my Streetlight Manifesto t-shirt, Bad Religion underwear, and my black cat ears.

So I have decided to make some life changes. I decided to make some life changes back in October too, and that has led me here, to a place that's part scary, part delightful, and somehow all downright stressful. I'm on the path now to taking care of me.

I'm making some adjustments. What animal do you know of that can achieve metamorphosis twice? I haven't heard of one, but I'm sure as hell going to try.

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