Tuesday, October 23, 2007

I'm wondering...

... what I'm doing.

Had a great conversation with my dad last night. Makes me wonder why I was hiding from him for over a week. But then again, I do know I was afraid of getting the "old" reactions.

I constantly wonder why talking to someone else (who I'd love to be able to talk to) is like pulling teeth. I'm positive I've had better conversations with a sandwich. Totally sucks, but I'm learning to deal.

I also internalize absolutely everything. Is that a born, in-blood trait? Or is it taught? At this point, I'm a little unsure. Could be a blend of both. The big things that really bother me I don't even talk about. At least not until it builds up and bursts the seams. And then I'm a fountain of disgusting. Which is what I've become. And it's taken me 29 years to get to this place. I have 29 years of rotting garbage behind the gate.

Dad says open the door and take the trash out for good. I think he has a good point, especially because some of it is old, old, old. And I've tried to fix things, I really have. Only problem with really taking out the trash for good is: where do I get a shovel sturdy enough to scoop it, and where do I find a bag big enough?

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Here. Where?

I'm hiding.

I'm imposing on a lot of people, and most of the time that feels bad. But I'm not sure what else to do at this point, so I continue.

Feeling: displaced, frustrated, angry, weak, lost, agitated, sad, lonely, overwhelmed, ugly, distracted. And WAY too needy. I don't like to be needy.

Listening to (on loop): Last Rites to Sleepless Nights - Less Than Jake

They've said it better than I could right now.

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

It's been a while...

... wow, has it ever.

Sorry I've been missing. I've been a little sick. I'm still a little sick, but well on my way to feeling a heck of a lot better, at least physically.

This has truly wiped me out. I haven't slept this much in a really *really* long time. I feel a little bit dysfunctional, and strangely enough I'm really getting used to the 6:30 pm nap and 7:30 am rise. It's a little odd.

Not only has this wiped me out, it's been stressful for its own reasons.

More on that later. Potentially.