Will somone please tell me...

... what is wrong with me?

I have been sick for two weeks now. Sick a few days before vacation, sick all during vacation, sick now that I'm back.

Went back to the doctor last night because it's driving me crazy. I can barely swallow without gagging. They scraped my throat twice, they drew a whole bunch of blood. Now I get to sit and wait for a few more days while it all gets tested.

Since I've been through this all about two weeks ago (but on a slightly lesser scale), I have to wonder if they're going to find anything at all. Maybe I'm REALLY sick. Maybe I have something that no one knows about yet - some kind of as-yet-undiscovered illness that wreaks havoc on the infested.

Or maybe, just maybe, this is the physical manifestation of something completely different.

I am sick, and I am TIRED.

Twitching.

I've been at Disney World since Sunday.

It's Thursday morning, and I'm camped out in the room listening to Sammy J sing the blues. And trying to catch up on work emails. One would think that the Happiest Place on Earth would rub off a little, but honestly I've been twitching since Monday afternoon.

I've been sick since before we left. I'm still sick. I can't shake it and it's really getting old. That coupled with the fact that I absolutely, positively have been unable to relax this entire trip is truly maddening.

I got up really early yesterday, pulled on the yoga pants, and headed out the door to do some yoga by the lake to try and relax. No dice. It was pouring. And I really missed my yoga class back home last night. It's what keeps me sane in the middle of the week. I've resorted to practicing my breathing at odd times of the day just to stay in my right mind. It's not really working all that well but at least it's keeping my feet in the right place.

Work is on my mind, sickness is on my mind, and there are a million and one other things on my mind. I've been twitching for days. And all I wanted to do was exactly the opposite.

Baggage.

I have many a thing to complete this morning, but a post has been screaming inside me since I woke up. I must let this one out, or face complete brain takeover in a mere few hours as it slowly devours the back right corner of my brain and works forward.

Please bear with me; I'm about to make a very strange correlation between two somewhat unlikely objects.

I have a sickness. This sickness is one I know I've carried for a very long time. So long, in fact, that I have long since become comfortable with it.

I love to pack for trips. And not in an easygoing, "this will work" sort of way. I'm tactical. Methodical. Rabid.

Step one is not look in the closet. Step one is make a list. Make a list of everything I'd like to take. Then, cross-reference that entire list to make sure everything is not only coordinated, but interchangeable with each other, as well as able to cover a variety of moods and temperatures. Top it off with everything has to say *me*. If not, it doesn't make the cut. If I don't really need it, or if I can't picture several instances in which it might be useful, it goes.

Once my list is finalized, time for step two. I assemble, fold, manipulate, combine, roll and origami-style tweak everything into place. Yes, I can travel for a week (probably much longer) from a single carry-on suitcase. Once that bag is packed, ultimate satisfaction is achieved.

Here's where I promised a strange comparison, and where it gets wierd: Packing a suitcase is, at least for me, very much akin to accommodating any given room in a dwelling. Contents: A selection of things most important to you, assembled in a way they fit best in the space, all of them saying *you*.

And this brings me back around to something I have been dealing with for a good year and a half.

Imagine: You step off a plane. You pick up your bag. You get to your hotel, open it up, and dive in looking for the "comfort item" you packed. Maybe it's your favorite pajamas. Maybe it's your bedside crystal. Maybe it's your favorite t-shirt in the color that makes you feel so good. Guess what? None of it is there. As a matter of fact, everything in your bag is someone else's. Now you're stuck on a trip with someone else's stuff. And you have to make do.

That "stuff" was important to that other person at some point in time. But it's since been left behind. It's still *your* bag. It's time to change the contents.

Now imagine that suitcase full of things that aren't yours is the house you've been living in for almost two years. Again, it's time to change the contents.

It's impossible for me to pack well for others. It just doesn't work that way.

Side note:
Today's also a day where my brain picks a thousand different things to think about all at once so I don't have to dwell on some things that really are in the back of my mind. I've been doing that for six years now.

43 Things

I discovered 43 Things a few days ago. What a perfect place to park my "list"! There are some things that I want to do that don't quite fit in a list of that nature, but that's okay. They can stay in my list from a few posts ago. I've placed the running tally permanently here on Steel Grey Pittsburgh; feel free to take a peek.

Instead of looking at what other people want to do, and then choosing them for my own, I have decided to go about this small project by typing in exactly what it is that *I* want to do... and then seeing how many other lonely souls out there are looking to do exactly the same. Surprisingly for some of these things, there are many. I think it's much more interesting to take what's in my own head and put it out there to see if it's already crossed someone else's mind.

Interesting to know that there are others out there with the same things on their minds.

Makes you feel... not so alone.

Guess What?

A journey of self-re-discovery, while undoubtedly delightful for the self, sure can serve to upset others.

Ugh. I could have received that one in a fortune cookie.

Perhaps I'm being thoughtless in my new Roland Deschain style of walking the earth.

You've Got... Company!

For as insanely great as working in your pajamas curled up with a monster cup of coffee sounds, it is oftentimes not all it's cracked up to be.

I joined the leagues of the mighty telecommuters in 2005. I'm just 2 months shy of 2 years working remotely. "Remotely" is not a word to be taken lightly... in fact, it was a much larger adjustment than I had ever imagined. There are still days when I can feel my social skillset eroding away, bit by bit.

Evo's always bringing in the latest and greatest ways to keep in touch, and today was no different. Enter Ustream! We were able to hear and see each other for much of the day today... making it a very close "office buddy" alternative. There are a few kinks to work on, but other than that, it was very cool for a first run. I have even managed to link it live here into Steel Grey Pittsburgh - check it out off on the right side there and see if I'm around.

It's always nice to have company.

Thanks Evo - I probably would have lost my mind a year and a half ago without you.

Weekend Update... And, Oh Yeah, I'm Going Straight to Hell.

A little late for an update on this weekend's activities, but I've been a busy girl!

Saturday's activities included a juggling adventure, and, of course, a music adventure!

If you haven't seen the Shoebox Tour yet, GO! These guys are incredible - a variety of juggling skills on display. A couple things I can do (but I'm quite the mediocre juggler and proud of my minimal skills), many things I'd sure like to try, and several that made my jaw hit the floor. To top it all off, everything was set to music of the most interesting variety. Matthew and I actually got called up on stage to demonstrate one of the "10 New And Amazing Great Juggling Tricks..." and Matthew being the natural showman that he is, was invited to stay up on stage for a round of juggling musical chairs. Good, good times.

Now that I've seen some serious contact juggling in action, I've really got the itch to get started.

After the juggling show, it was off to see Squirrel Nut Zippers at Mr. Smalls. I'm still feeling a little wierd about the "costumage" shall we say, but other than that, they were fantastic! Definitely a different experience from the other shows I've been frequenting lately, but a good one nonetheless.

Now that I've gotten this far, time to address the second half of this post's title. I bought size 0 jeans and refrigerated (premade) cookie dough in my out and abouts today. I'd like a window seat, please.

Size Check, Please?

Last night I finally got so agitated by the state of my jeans that I went shopping.

By state of them, I don't mean they're destined for the garbage, or so worn in places they've become dangerous. No... they're falling off.

I have spent the past few weeks in various states of amazement as all of my jeans progressed from "a little loose" to "if I don't wear a belt they'll slide down" to "if I don't wear a belt they'll fall completely off, but if I do wear a belt it folds the waistband". Uncomfortable, and to be quite honest, dumpy.

So Gap got me again for $58. Yeowch. But I'm a sucker for their jeans because they actually make jeans that FIT.

Speaking of fit, I left there with jeans in a size 1. I haven't worn anything that small since freshman year of college, and it's a vast departure from what I have been wearing. Which made me pause yesterday, and is still occupying my brain today.

Three thoughts:

1) I read an article a while back that examined clothing manufacturer size charts, and what those same sizes actually measured at decades ago. They're vastly different. Has a size 1 changed so much since the last time I bought pants that it only appears I've skipped a few sizes?

2) I'm starting to think I may have a tapeworm.

3) I'm standing on the next scale I find.

I'm off, time to start this day. Housework this morning, fun this afternoon and evening.

Random Morning Thoughts

A few notes on what's running through my head early this morning:

* Yoga is amazing. Post-show, however, it is excruciating.
* Pigeon pose has pretty much destroyed my hips for the day.
* I need / want to eat more artichokes. They're just so fun and delicious.
* All of my dreams last night involved bugs or spiderwebs or both. Disturbing. Will have to look that up later.
* Contact Juggling belongs on my list of things to do. There's another project to get started on. I've wanted to do that for a really long time.

Ta-Da!

I'll Have the Grilled Cheese and a Sippy Cup, Please

A lunchtime post today - because I didn't get a chance to last night (home at 2 am) and because I won't get a chance to later (yoga and dinner).

That, plus I still want to capture some of the glow and, well, pain.

Last night's show - Against All Authority, Streetlight Manifesto, Reel Big Fish and Less Than Jake - was phenomenal. My second show on this tour (Buffalo was my first), and honestly I wish I could make tonight and tomorrow night's shows (the last two of the tour)... unfortunately Scranton and DC are a wee bit far to be trekking out on school nights.

I made a bit of a mistake during this show - I assumed the crowd would function similarly to Buffalo. I realized a little bit too late that this crowd actually felt more like a fraction of a second away from a full-on fist fight.

I am sorely mistaken on my assumption today (horrible pun intended). These ribs, they hurt. They hurt bad. The rest of me sort of hurts too, but I don't feel too out of the ordinary. Just a little stiff; the post-show rust in my joints I have come to expect. And a sore throat. My companions did not fare much better - one kicked square in the head, the other with a lovely shiner to show for last night's activities.

Needless to say, shows like that reduce you to grilled cheese and sippy cups from Eat 'n Park. Luckily enough for us, they're more than happy to oblige at 1 am.

The Power of Words

I have discovered the joy and heartache of a brand new book, at the recommendation of my yoga teacher.

She brought it to class a few weeks ago, and I happened to see it out the corner of my eye during my last jaunt to the bookstore to purchase (you guessed it) the last Harry Potter. Since I can never read just one book at a time anyway, I added it to my stack.

I started it a couple of weeks ago, about the same time I started Harry Potter, but I was in such a race (with myself and two others) to finish, I fell a little behind on the new book. I now wish that hadn't happened, because right around the time I made that purchase was the same time I really NEEDED the book. Without even realizing it.

A couple days ago I plucked this book back off the shelf to give it another go, and started over. Reading a few pages here and there, slowly bringing myself from the world of wizards and magic into someone else's real-life story of struggle, learning and discovery. And last night, I fell so deep into it at one point I was certain that someone had tipped a bucket of ice water over my head. And when the water was gone, proceeded to throw the bucket square at me. And then kick me in the shins.

Parallels between this book and my life at present leaped off the pages. I needed a pencil, and fast. I haven't needed a pencil since the first time I read The Dharma Bums, and that's been many years ago.

I grabbed a pencil and dove back in. I'm making a mess of this book, and damn does it feel good.

The book? Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. Thanks, Elizabeth, for sharing.

Namaste.

Pig Roast '07

870 Miles, way too much food and a radioactive facial sunburn later, "Da Roast" '07 is complete.

I'm tired. Really, really tired. Stuart made approximately 230 new friends, and I got to catch up with a handful of friends I haven't seen in a year, and a couple I haven't seen in two years.

Shower completed, 8 layers of grime removed. Cup #2 of peppermint tea awaits.

For anyone curious...

I realized today that my last post was a little vague. It was full of good intention, with some emotion to back it up - but for anyone truly interested in the evolving I've been doing, I thought I'd take a minute to post two lists.

List One: What I have been up to.
List Two: What I'll be up to soon.

Enjoy!

What I have been up to? In the past few weeks, well, throwing a sopping wet towel... in. Not necessarily in order, but as close as I'm going to get past midnight on a Friday morning:
* Came back to my blog with fresh eyes
* Started a Google map and beer project
* Saw The Pietasters
* Visited Niagra Falls
* Went to another city, in another state, for a concert (Against All Authority, Streetlight Manifesto, Reel Big Fish, Less Than Jake)
* Stretched my ears again, finally, after almost 2 years at 12s. And I skipped a size and went straight to 8s. Which I know I shouldn't have done, but I was just too ready.
* Ran a soap show day all by myself
* Finally decided on my next tattoo set design and placement
* Went to Warped
* Saw Dave Matthews in concert

Which brings me to list two, and what I'll be up to soon. No rhyme, reason or order to this list. Just things on a list I want to get to:
* Actually get the aforementioned tattoos
* Stretch my ears to a 6 without waiting 2 years
* See the Shout It Loud Tour again (already have tix for this so it's ON! LTJ, here we come!)
* See as many concerts as I can manage
* Clean out my wardrobe
* Find a replacement for my most favorite belt that broke about 3 years ago. I still pine for it. It was the perfect belt.
* Learn to ride and buy a scooter. Preferably a Vespa. Preferably red.
* Start taking vitamins again
* Kick some ass and take some names and finally start that podcast
* Stop asking for a visit, and finally come to terms with the fact that I'm never going to get one.

I expect these lists to grow from here on out. Now you know.

I've been out and about...

Fall is on its way. I can feel it.

Was the tilt of the sun a little bit different today? The air a little less humid? The sky bright blue, but just a little more 'crisp' than it has been? Yes. All of the above. The neighbor's sycamore tree has already started to drop, as has the chestnut hovering over my back deck. The dog days of summer are nearly over.

I'm very much a Fall person. I'd rather be wearing a sweater and jeans than tank tops and shorts. Time to shed those dreaded (but necessary in Pittsburgh humidity) clothing articles. It's almost time to switch out of those colors that never really agree with me and back into the cozy creams, dark greens, burnt reds and blacks that I feel so much better in.

In speaking of change, a step back to what I've been up to the past few weeks.

A while back, I promised myself I was going to start doing things I've been wanting to do for a long time. Things I've been holding myself back from, things that I was being held back from by outside sources, things I just never got around to doing but should have.

I've started to do some of those things, take them on so to speak. And I'm just getting started. I've been having the time of my life the past few weeks. Taking a day or two off work here and there, something which I NEVER did before unless absolutely necessary (even when I had plenty of days). Going places I've never been and seeing things I've wanted to see. All the while trying to come to terms with things in my past that haunt me, and things in my present that torture me. Attempting not to have some sort of crisis in my 30s.

It has been an interesting journey so far. For those of you interested, I'll let you know what happens from here.

Who Is Tom Mix?

There are times when I hear / see / am exposed to something odd more than once in a day. Today was one of those days.

A quick breakfast in front of the TV. On WQED, a show about interesting places in Pennsylvania. During my few seated minutes was a segment on Mix Run. Having grown up in the middle of nowhere, PA, and having traveled nearly all of this great state, I was intrigued because I don't recall ever hearing of Mix Run. During the segment, a name was mentioned: Tom Mix.

Having consumed it as a semi-interesting point in PA lore, I went about my day and stored it for later.

During a mop break (heavy-duty summer cleaning going on today), I turned on the TV for some quick learning. Completely different channel - this time the History Channel. On was a show about cereal and the Kellog brothers. During an interview, a gentleman spoke of "listening to the radio, and hearing Tom Mix tout the benefits of cereals". There it was again. Tom Mix.

Second time around for something strange like that, and at that point it becomes less Tom Mix and more Tom Marvolo Riddle.

So who is Tom Mix? I hit up Wikipedia for the answer - turns out he was an actor in the 20s and 30s. Go check it out, learn something new!

Tom Mix as provided by Wikipedia

Food!

Yesterday was a big day.

Since the nasty bruise from my IV drip has faded into a lovely combination of Crayola's Chartreuse and Bittersweet, and my appetite has been ravenous for a couple days, I decided to give real food a go last night. It worked!

Probably not the smartest thing I've ever done, but I indulged in a steak. Fillet, to be exact. I've been out of the food circuit for several days and I wanted a bit of a treat.

Everything went down fine, but I did discover a few interesting things:
1) I can't eat anywhere near what I used to consume. In fact, I can only eat about a third as much at this point.
2) If I don't chew my food into oblivion first, it hurts when it lands.

Point one I'm a-okay with. I get to have delicious steak for lunch today.
Point two is strange. I've always been a slow eater. Now I'm even slower.

I guess it will all come back in time. I'll be nursing this one for a while. My pants don't fit the same.

On a more interesting note, the boy and I went to see Harry Potter and The Order of The Phoenix last night. Three words: wow, awesome, and DARK. We've seen them all, and personally I think this is the best so far.

We were discussing afterward how the movies have really progressed - the first ones were pretty kid-friendly for the most part. This one, I'd say not so much - it really was dark, and using the word sadistic wouldn't be out of line. Sick and twisted, but now I'm even more excited for the final two.

I'm going to forage for breakfast foods and chew them very very thoroughly.

Sometimes I forget.

Sometimes I forget things. Important, life-changing things. I get stuck. And every once in a while, something happens to turn me back around.

I spent the night in the ER on Monday. As a matter of fact, 11:30 pm on Monday to 7:00 am on Tuesday. We'll take it easy with the horrible in-depth descriptions and call it an inflamation of the stomach lining. Spending a night there will certainly bring one back around. At this point it's nearly Thursday, and I'm still tired. It's gotten me thinking.

I don't want to be lost anymore. I want to start doing things I've wanted to do for a long time. And why the hell not?

I'd really like to have more fun. I've been so focused on being so serious for so long, I've made a permanent habit of putting things off. Things I want to do to keep *me* happy.

I need to get away from holding myself back.

Your Beating Was Acoustically Pleasing!

Back! Tired! (Really, really tired...)

Let's just say the Buffalo trip was a blast.

We started out early and got up to Buffalo with plenty of time (but not plenty of leg room - it's a good thing I have no problem curling up in a car!) Since we were so early, the boys were awesome enough to drive just a little bit farther north and take me up to Niagra Falls. In all my 29 years I've never been there. It's amazing, breathtaking, and mind-boggling. Water, rushing water - and the earth just... stops. Incredible.

From there back to downtown Buffalo and the Town Ballroom for Against All Authority, Streetlight Manifesto, Reel Big Fish and Less Than Jake! Amazing, amazing show. I've been a fan of Reel Big Fish for many years, and very recently Less Than Jake has started to crowd out some of the older music in my iPod that's been kicking around in there for far too long. The entire show was nothing short of stellar! I'm quite positive Streetlight Manifesto will find their way into my iPod shortly. I hadn't heard much from them previously, but last night they were fantastic!

What I lost in the pit last night:
* 5 pounds
* (almost) a bracelet

What I got in the pit last night:
* something that felt at the time like a cracked rib (but is thankfully just fine this morning!)
* 2 kicks to the head
* 3 elbows in the face (sometimes it pays to be short, other times not so much)
* bubbles in my eyes
* a bunch of confetti

The Shout It Loud tour will hit Pittsburgh in August - we'll be there!

I managed to haul my camera phone and a notebook around for everything but the show - photos on flickr.

Some brilliant quotes from the crew:
* "You're talking over Hall and Oates, my friend."
* "Falls and mysteries ahead!"
* "You'd be falling for a while, I'd probably laugh before you splatted."
* "And the bunny on the paper towel will come alive someday."
* "Your beating was acoustically pleasing!"
* "It's been on you my friend, it's goddamn lucky."

Three others from (overheard) outside sources:
* "You better watch how you talk to me or you'll find that ice cream over the falls!"
* "I'd trust Mythbusters before I trusted you."
* "A tattoo. They put ink in your dermis." "What the hell is a dermis?"

And while I'm at it, I tag M, M (YES, YOU, stop your whining!) and Tracy for 5 Things About the Real You. Go for it, kids.

I've Been Tagged!

I'm in a perpetual state of "behind". Anything else new?

I was tagged by Evo several moons ago for five things about the "real" me. Sorry it's taken me so long! You'll understand the quotes on "real" after you peruse #5.

1) I grew up in a very rural part of northcentral Pennsylvania. My definition of rural: Population est. 2,000, closest neighbor 1/2 mile away, 20 minutes outside of "town". A full hour away from a mall of any flavor. Growing up there and moving to New York City immediately afterward was a bit of a shock. (I'm back in PA now, albeit in Pittsburgh.)

2) When I was 17, I toured 6 European countries in 5 days, in the backseat of the smallest diesel Renault on the planet. Countries visited, in order: France, Switzerland, Liechtenstein, Austria, Italy, Germany. I slept in the Louvre, and visited the Postage Stamp Museum in Vaduz.

3) I was a radio board op / DJ / ad programmer / ad and news writer /producer for the local radio station in my hometown during my high school years. Amazing job. So amazing, in fact, I proceeded from there to college where I took up Communications as my major, with my focus in radio. Where, oh where is radio headed now?

4) I had an emergency appendectomy in 1998. I was sick, sick, SICK. The doctor told me it was not only punctured and leaking, it was green and "growing something" when they removed it. Green. "Growing" something else. That's just terrifying. I spent a week in the hospital, and consequently nearly failed a couple of my college courses that semester. Some professors just won't take a stapled, 5 inch gash in your stomach as an excuse.

5) I have been described by multiple people as being "an onion".

And there you have it. A few of my "grey" secrets.

I'm not sure who to tag for this, but when I come up with my list, I'll post them.

By Now, It's Interesting

Well I've been at it for a couple weeks, so there's enough there now to make it mildly interesting. Check out my flickr photos.